I’m sor…….

You can’t have children, I’m sor….

“I know…..,” I hesitated, while I sat on my cardiac surgeons bench (the 1st team). I didn’t even let him finish the sentence because I already knew what was coming. Dr. Silver just explained to me that I would need another open heart surgery. He informed me that he felt the best decision was a mechanical valve. All in 1 single sentence, my life changed beyond belief. I knew what that meant. I’ve lived with this my entire life. There is not a day I remember being normal. I knew the procedure and risks.

I sat there, for the next 45 minutes completely professional and stoic. Like nothing bothered me. As if I wasn’t just knocked off my ass by reality. I grew up living with too many doctors, so I am very good at putting on my best face. Absorbing everything that is said. Understanding it all. Weighing all my options. I’m a pro at that. So I sucked up it up, got through my consult, and then walked out of the hospital. I immediately broke down into the most life shattering tears that have ever seeped from my eyes. Luckily, my Uncle Tom was there for me. To comfort me. To tell me that it would all be ok, even though I knew I was not. All my life I have wanted to be a mother. I wanted to have children, watch their first steps, spend too much money on Santa gifts, watch them grow… develop into humans, I was even prepared for the getting arrested or sneaking out of the house. I have my faults, but everyone I know can tell you I would have been the best mother. I just click with kids. It’s like they know I’m safe and there. In 2 seconds, my biggest dream in life diminished. Not only was I told I would be having a serious surgery I may not survive, but I was also told No kids for you.

It’s been 3 months now, and I wish I could tell you I have reconciled this fact of life. I would very much be lying. Luckily, I have an amazing Heat Ambassador with whom I can speak with. She went though some of the same things I did. One being, no children. She lets me vent. Get my anger out. Ask as many questions as I want to. Cry, cry my damn eyeballs out. She gets it. I told her one of things I hate the most is that everyone says, “Oh well you can adopt.” Trust me, I have 0 issues with adoption. I would love it. Unfortunately, I do not have the money to do such a thing. I also have to get better before I can even fathom that thought. I asked this wonderful woman who I met though Northwestern Hospital in Chicago, who is part of, ACHA If she ever had a problem being around children? She immediately said YES. So for once, in months, I felt slightly better. I thought I lost my mind because I didn’t want to be around my cousins kids. It hurts.. it hurts so much I don’t think my family really understands. I can never have that. Never. I’m not unhappy or resentful to my family, It’s just a in your face picture of something that will never be. It will take me a little more than 3 months to accept that fact. My HA said it took her over 10 years to deal with it. I struggle with it daily, which probably no one knows. I may talk about it here and there. I may just ignore it, it depends on the day. I only have one fact.. I am not over it, I am not healed. I can only live with this life altering change in my life moment by moment. One of the reasons I actually chose to write about this is that my followers asked, and second… I cannot hide this feeling forever. Plus, I’m eternally honest. So with that, I will leave this for another day…

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Thank You to all who read this,
XX Jessica

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